TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic lifestyle, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed from the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have A further place exactly where American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: give Anyone a collection about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It really Trump Tower Damascus is that he ought to cease applying it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked about the undertaking, replied, "You realize, guy, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Very good individuals. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Place, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It's not merely unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local climate control set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Strategy: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "where by's the nearest elevator for the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is presently attracting focus from Intercontinental investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll acquire 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will likely consist of:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to view a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort where my PTSD may have convert-down support."


Yet another post from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences suggest:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Remaining Feelings in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It desired gold. It desired a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You happen to be welcome."

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